Hab ich gestern in unserem Probenraum an der Wand gefunden.
Ich weiss nicht, ob Nicht-Musiker das auch so witzig finden, aber ich find´s so klasse, dass ich mir sogar die Arbeit gemacht habe, es komplett abzutippen...

Out the Bell:
Orchestra Fines for Horn Players
by Jeffrey Agrell

The following is a shameless adaption I made of an anonymous e-mail entitled “Big Band Fines”.

Coming late to rehearsel: $100
Coming late to performance: $500
Not showing up at all: $400
Forgetting music: $50
Forgetting instrument: $100
Bringing wrong instrument: $150
Not noticing: $250
Not warming up: $50
Obnoxious show-off warm-up: $500
Playing highest note possible during warm-up: $107
Warming up with principal horn´s solos: lethal injection
Staring at principal during solo: burning at stake
Emptying water during principal´s solo: electrocution
Giving advice to principal after a clam: hanging
Playing principal´s solo correctly after principal clams: Applause, followed by being fed to
piranhas.
Pointing out to principal that “Player X” on your CD at home never misses that solo: firing
squad
Telling principal after a clam what your teacher always told you: dismemberment
Humming along with principal during solo: $500
Playing along with principal during solo: $1,000
Badly: $10,000, dismissal plus an appearance on Jay Leno
Leaving brand new copy of Kopprasch on principal´s stand after principal clams the last note
of short call: $8
Blaming clam on prescription medication: $20
Blaming clam on violas: $5
Blaming clam on conductor: $2
Blaming clam on weather: $40
Blaming clam on George Bush: $1
Surcharge for blaming clam on anyone / anything: $100
Raising hand after clam in rehearsel: $15
Raising hand after clam in concert: $150
Pointing to the player next to you after clam in rehearsel: $50
Same, in concert: $500
Bad intonation: $50
On purpose: $500
Taking solo down an octave: $15
Taking solo up an octave: $150
Playing wrong piece: $250
Not noticing: $500
Tapping foot: $10
Tapping both feet: $50
Not together: $100
Playing Bb when oboe tunes the orchestra: $75
Faking section into early entrance: $10
Faking self into early entrance: $50
Missing entrance while reading bestseller: $10
Missing entrance while talking to colleague: $20
Missing entrance while sleeping: $30
Missing entrance while counting carefully: $50
Missing entrance and conductor doesn´t notice: $100 bonus
Not knowing the count when the player to your left gives you an paniced look: $15
Not knowing who the player on your left is: $25
Failure to transpose: $25
Transposing to the wrong key: $15
Asking colleague how to transpose: $50
Asking conductor how to transpose: $100
During concert: $500
Asking conductor if part in question is B alto or B basso: $500
Playing too loud: $20
Playing too soft: $5
Forgetting mute: $10
Dropping mute: $20
Twice: $100
During solo: $200
Twice: $400
Dropping horn: $100 (plus repairs)
Forgetting to transpose with brass mute: $30
Forgetting pencil: $25
Using pen instead: $75
Forgetting to wear concert dress: $50
Forgetting to bathe: $75
Repeat violations: $150
Forgetting mouthpiece: $20
Forgetting to put on screw rim: $25 + medical bills
Bragging about horn make and model: $250
Unresolved digestive tract issues: $20
During first horn´s solos: $40
Repeat violations: $80
Playing only swing 8th notes: $35
Beginning sentence: “When I subbed in Chicago…”: $75
Beginning sentence: “Who is this Beethoven guy?”: $750
Coming drunk to rehearsel: $50
Coming drunk to concert: $100
Practising drunk: $250
Giggling during viola solos: $5
Continuously asking “Where are we?” : $25
Sucking up to conductor after rehearsel: $30
Sucking up to conductor during rehearsel: $40
Sucking up to conductor after concert: $50
Sucking up to conductor during concert: $300
Pretending to be friends with string players: $10
Actually being friends with string players: $20
Lending money to string players: $50
Dating string players: $75 (if player is a violist, fines doubled)
Pretending to be friends with conductor: $500
Dating conductor: $1,000


[May 2006/The Horn Call, p.96]